Tuesday, 26 April 2011

3D Zen and Sex - the Hong Kong porn movie in cinemas

Without a doubt in my limited cinematic experience, 3D Sex and Zen, the first ever porn film in 3D is the most... erm, what’s a euphemism for “fucked up”? Well, it’s the weirdest film ever. And it is on at mainstream cinemas throughout the city.

This is a spoiler alert. I am basically going to explain this movie to you.

We start with the love shared between a scholar called Wei Yangsheng and his lovely bride Tie Yuxiang. At their wedding they meet an old couple and Wei asks them how they can still love each other even though they are too old to have sex. The old man kisses his old wife and says something along the lines of how true love doesn’t need sex. And this is the premise of the storyline.

The newlyweds begin boning in the first few minutes of the film, but there is a problem. Wei doesn’t satisfy his wife – he is a premature ejaculator and he has a miniscule penis (of which we see a full frontal shot). Seriously, it’s slightly girthier than a toothpick and about as long as a standard padlock key. One could play hula-hoops on it with a CD. You see him and his wife banging in all sorts of positions before he decides this is not on and goes to see Prince Ning in the Pavillion of Ultimate Bliss. Yes, such a place exists in 3D Sex and Zen.

Now, Ning’s Pavillion of Ultimate Bliss is a massive enclave built into a mountain which contains all kinds of treasures from around China, as well as a good collection of hookers, whores, beauties and so on who pleasure and are pleasured by a mass of naked men running around the place. Every scene in this Pavillion has a backing track of giggling and ooh-ooh ah-ah as the rampant pleasure is seemingly unstoppable.

To stop Wei biffing too quickly, he is given some special hooker who can maintain a man’s erection for 24 hours with her special talents. Wei trades in 10 years of service to Prince Ning for a day with this woman whose trick is to perform acupuncture on him... erm, by sticking a needle up his arse. It works though. Believe it or not, that is one of the most normal scenes in the movie. As Wei is stuck in the Pavillion of Ultimate Pleasure for 10 years, he divorces his wife, even though he is very much in love with her. She is then raped by someone who works at her palace. Then some people try and drown her. Twice. Then someone buys her. She winds up at the Pavillion of Ultimate Pleasure, but we’ll get back to her later.

Wei, meanwhile, meets an androgenous person who has a penis which is about 3 metres long and spins a wheel on it. This person,whose name escapes me, is like the sexpert of the world and Wei asks him/her how to become better at sex. Turns out, Wei needs a new penis as his tiny one just will not do. He goes for a transplant, has his penis removed and replaced with a donkey’s. When he returns to the Pavillion of Ultimate Pleasure, he has an orgy with 10 women who all seem to just love his new cock which is not about 60cm long. However, his fortunes change considerably when he tries to steal one of the treasures belonging to Prince Ning, and this is where things get really and truly fucked up.

Ning shoots Wei in the leg (with a gun) when he catches him and we are treated to the sight of him using a piece of broken ceramic to scrape maggots out of his leg. Tei, his ex-wife, sees this going on and offers herself to Prince Ning in his place. Ning accepts and, in one of the most heinous scenes I have ever seen in a movie, has her sit on some metal horse which basically drills up her vagina, removing her sex organs. (It was at this point that I walked out of the movie, the rest of this is hearsay from people who stayed in for the whole film.)

When Wei sees this, he offers himself to Ning for Tie, and in doing so he loses his donkey penis as Prince Ning cuts it off. The couple then get back together, leave the Pavillion of Ultimate Pleasure sex-organless, decide they are still in love, and that sex is unneccesary for their happiness, just like the old people at the beginning.

And that is why it is the most fucked up movie I have ever seen. Watch at your own peril.